Sunday, January 27, 2013

The Villainness

If I confess
will that satisfy?

I confess
it's not enough.

I must confess,

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Thursday Lyric: Welcome by Hey Rosetta!

You'll be a bright light coming out of the dark 
All the doctors blinking hard 
You'll be lightning coming out of the storm 
It's a message, it's a miracle 

 You'll do all right 
You've got your mother's eyes 
You've got your daddy's head 
Everything you need 
 For this hard ride 

They'll be strapping you on 
All the ups and downs and you can't get off 
Yes, trouble we're handing off 
And you've got to do better than us 

It'll be all right 
You've got lots of time 
Got your daddy's love 
Everything you want I can feel you and what you're gonna be 

You'll be stronger, you'll be smarter than me 
Oh baby, I'll say it again 
You're the most incredible thing 

 Sorry, this is it 
It's cold and hard and badly lit 
And there's no backing out of it 
So forget where you've been 
It'll never be that good again 

And we must only look ahead 
Soon you're thirty three 
And everything you tried to be 
Is pulled apart by fear and greed 

 Let young hands build you up 
And carve your face in honest rock 
With sunlight on your noble jaw 
May young hands build you up 

I'm happy that you've come along 
I'm happy that you've come, I
'm happy that you've come 

 Oh baby, I'll say it again 
I'll say it again, 
I'll say it 
You're the most incredible thing 

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

They tell me 
There is a purpose
And a promise

A smile. A word of advice. A pat on the shoulder.

"It'll be all right. God knows what you need. He is enough for you. Do you have any recommendations on where to get curtains? Would you be available to help with the wedding setup? Do you know how to make little paper chains out of book pages?"

And they return, strengthened by Good Samaritanship, to their family circle.

Shaking their heads a little when they think of me, looking to their loved ones, and feeling a little more grateful for their warmth and closeness, the loving touches, the enduring importance of family, the only thing that really matters. "We can do anything, as long as we've got each other," they think.

Perhaps this is my purpose.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Thursday Lyric: Emphasis, Sleeping At Last

Death is promised to the bee who's sting protects the colony. 
Was it's life worth nothing more than honey for the queen? 
Life is a branch and it is a dove, handcrafted by confusing love. 
Sign language is our reply, when church bells make no sound. 
In hollow towers and empty hives, we craved sweetness with a fear of heights. 
Was it all just a grain of sand in an hourglass? 

The smartest thing I've ever learned is that I don't have all the answers, 
just a little light to call my own. 

Though it pales in comparison to the overarching shadows, 
a speck of light can reignite the sun and swallow darkness whole. 

Death is a cold, blindfolded kiss. 
It is the finger pressed upon our lips. 
It puts an unwanted emphasis on how we should have lived. 
Life is a gorgeous, broken gift. 
Six billion+ pieces waiting to be fixed. 
Love letters that were never signed, sent to where we live. 

The sweetest thing I've ever heard is that I don't have to have the answers, 
just a little light to call my own. 

Though it pales in comparison to the overarching shadows, 
a speck of light can reignite the sun and swallow darkness whole.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

One Word 2013

I was encouraged last year through SheLoves Magazine and Alece Ronzino to discover my One Word, a way of setting forth into a new year without creating a list of shoulds and guilt-inducing to-do's. 

Resolve was my OneWord for 2012.

Resolve comes from a Latin root "resolvere", meaning "to loosen, undo, settle". It indicates determination. It can mean to reduce or disintegrate something, separate it into foundation elements (as in chemical solutions, if my rusty high-school memories serve me right). In musical terms, it means to progress from dissonance to consonance.

I had chosen "Begin" as my word last year, but it didn't feel right. Resolve sort of became a theme as I determined to reduce some of my commitments and sort through some of the habits and behaviors that had become too comfortable for me.

I knew great changes were coming in 2012; my sister, who had always been there to tackle life with me, was getting married and I wanted to work through that transition well by resolving myself as a stronger (no pun intended) person who could be well alone, and by learning better what community will look like in my life.

In 2012, I worked through RESOLVE by a couple of key decisions:

-I started seeing a counselor in June. I wanted to review and get perspective on my habits, neuroses, fears, and relational attitudes. I wanted to get heathy. Counseling has proved to fit more into the "loosen, undo" part of the definition. It's like a big snarl of inaccurate beliefs had knotted up in my soul. Counseling pulls out the threads one by one, straightens them out, shows them up for what they are, names them. Meanwhile, the knot just gets bigger and more gnarled-looking, despite the fact that it's being solved, little by little.

-I reduced some of my major commitments and intentionally freed up some time for focusing on creative work, reading, and relaxation. I set up regular massage appointments, and joined a gym.

-I took a vacation (!) for the first time in...well, since I've been in my current job, 5 years.

This year, I think that while I am still in the process of resolving, the word that I've discovered (I think discover is the right word. In my experience, you really discover a One Word through listening and evaluation, rather than controlling or choosing it) for 2013 is PRACTISE. 

That's right, the britishism archaic to us North Americans that distinguishes the verb from the noun form. Once again, it's not the word I wanted. Friends have chosen big words. Freedom. Look. Rejoice. Begin. Awake.

But after dwelling on Practise, I'm liking the challenge.

Practise is action. 
Practise is choosing to do something small and often, in the commonly forgotten moments.
Practise is creating something where there was nothing.

I am good at Practise when it comes to watching television, or reviewing my Pinterest feeds. I'm good at it when it comes with an auto-deposit (thank you, Compassion International), so I can set it up once and forget about it. I'm good at it when I'm getting paid.

I'm less good at Practise when it comes to the dailiness where there is only stillness and 'doing the work', where there is little encouragement and less accountability...and when the other option is the snooze button.

So, Practise is my OneWord. I have ideas on what that will look like, but I'll specify that a little more later on.

Have you chose a OneWord, a theme, or made resolutions for 2013?

Early Indicators

Adding a glaze of poison to every bit of daily bread,
it accumulates; weightless snowfall over ice until,
subject to the least provocation and deadly,
it waits, laden.

The last straw
breaks silence until
swallows whole.

Oh, and courage is to point to the lies believed,
the early indicators of hidden dangers.
Oh, and courage is to speak them,
to reveal them, voracious.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

January 1, 2013

2013, you space-age number, you. I don't know what you will bring in, but I know you will wreak havoc as your predecessors have. I pray you'll bring peace, direction, and joy for many, but I know you'll bring changes.
I am 33 in 2013 (for most of it, at least).

2013, I must confess I doubt you. I'm a little bit afraid of you. You've already taken some things from me, like both of my roommates who will be leaving to marry their sweethearts this year.

2013, you might take the house I love away, or you might bring in new people into it. I'm not sure which will happen yet, but both involve major change. One mostly involves furniture-moving, the other involves learning to live with new and exciting sets of neuroses. 

2013, I'll keep taking my Sanity Lessons, which means you likely won't bring much rest as I work to pay for them. 

2013, if you're listening, I'll whisper my small hopes for you.

Bring family. I spent some lovely blue evenings at the close of 2012 with some of my precious friends whose hearts so long for family and home. Bring them love, and peace under the mysteries of its absence. Raise up connections and families for those who need them in their loneliness; among our churches, among our homes, let us love one another.

Bring inspiration. I forget that it is still all right to be inspired, sometimes. To have ideas, to get hopeful, to start projects in the hope of finishing them. Bring discipline and its severe joys.

Bring reminders, daily, momentarily, of thankfulness. Break our dependencies to numbness, novelties, and noise.