Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Doubled by Wonder

"I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought, and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder." - G. K. Chesterton

I suppose--no, I know--that everybody has times of feeling down, blue, lonely, alone, marginalized, paralyzed, unnecessary, discouraged, wasted, jaded, bored, and possibly completely unnecessary. 

Here is where part of me would like to go into a litany of circumstances outlining why I have been going through just such a stage, and maintain that although I am healthy, wealthy, and have food, shelter, and clothing in abundance, I have some comparative right to feel so.

I could talk about the many younger friends I've helped, showered, and attended into marriage this year. I could mention the even more friends who seem to be in love all around me, forecasting yet another 'year'o' weddings', the complete unlikeliness that seems to be my reality that I have met or will ever meet That Best Friend, or the fact that I cannot seem to afford a vacation this year, when I feel so desperately at the end of myself and in need of rest. Myriad frustrations at home and work which I must deal with alone. I could also mention the facade of bitter withdrawal I've been building up as a form of protection, even against my closest friends.

2012fallwinter 258The fact is happiness is unnecessary. Reasons to cry will always be there. Especially in the car, driving in to work in the dark and away from work in the dark, driving home alone from anything, really. 

The fact is the best things are "unnecessary". Unexpected Delight. Delicious (and beautiful) food. Pretty clothes. Pretty shoes. Music. Movies. Jewelry. Wallpaper. Any beauty at all. Technically, we don't need the sun to set in a flood of gold over the Pacific below, under a rampart of rose and purple above. It is beyond need, it is beyond deserving, it is beyond necessity. It is something altogether different. 

I don't need to be happy. 

But maybe, if I can still wonder at a sunset, tear up at baptisms, delight at an adorable pair of shoes, dance at (yet another) wedding, revel in the scent of melting beeswax as I paint, laugh at a story, enjoy anything...If I can wonder, and be grateful for the chance to, then I can still be, unnecessarily, unnaccountably, happy.

PS: There is always hope.

1 comment:

sara said...

thinking of, praying for you. always. I liked these thoughts very much,